ok so i personally think that this new whatever her name is soprano isn't really a soprano and therefore isn't very effective or productive in the group, i think this is a funny/witty/intelligent medley. and the britney spears song actually sounds good...toxic...hahaha.

so here it is-

[link]

funny funny funny.

You know I tried to post a journal a week ago and it didn't even send and I couldn't even save it? Grrhhhh. Here is a much updated version anyway.

Well, it's...the end of week two of my life. The real life.

So I thought this whole "new life" business would be terribly intimidating and big and scary and...well it's actually a lot easier than being a teenager in "school".

You know when you reach those stages in life...when everything is just going wrong...it's just all bullshit, all screwed up, everyone is being mean, you feel alone, no-one gives a crap, nothing is interesting, there is just too much going on.....?

Then there are those stages in life...that are incredibly special. It's just all going right...you're in your comfort zone but because of that bullshit your comfort zone is much larger...things are just going so well...everyone is nice, you are respected, there are special memories, special events, special everything...
Well that's right now.
Of course, there's still a little bullshit. I definitely still care about music, but I'm so bloody over the politics associated with it. It's stupid.

But, beyond these small issues so so stupid and ...the whole world is in front of me, and for some reason, it's just not intimidating whatsoever. Not even unpleasant in the slightest.


So one thing that is so great about life right now...is family.
There is one person (a cousin) who is so freaking amazing, and nice, and caring...I don't know why he is.

Anyway...my uncle and a cousin (known here as P.) came over from WA for a short visit...to see my grandmother and (mostly) to see the Andy Warhol exhibition cause my cousin P. is an artsy sort of person. This kind of all eventuated in the family catching up or maybe it was just me who really caught up with everyone.

So one night went to my cousin's house (known as M.), who has 3 siblings, A., L., and I., the especially nice one is one of them...
There's something about 20-30 yo's and being terribly quiet...I couldn't work out if this was their usual level of conversation or whether it was because I was there and therefore made it awkward or something. But that's a bit stupid to think that isn't it.

But it was an interesting night. And at the same time, strange...they're not immediately related, like siblings and that feeling I'll never know anyway, but...so familiar...I suppose because I had seen/talked to my cousins when I was little plenty of times, but still...it feels like it sort-of fills an empty void in my brain in regards to family...it's like they're sort-of a happy memory from the past that has come back...
Ok that sounds ridiculous. But I remember loving the times we'd all get together and when I'd get to see my cousins, even if I was absolutely terrified of them and would run away...but now it's different because I don't run away...and even better.
It's all so familiar and nice....
I don't know if anyone else feels this way.
Anyway...one day I will work out how to describe the way I feel about these things sometimes...I guess nostalgia is the word closest to it but I really don't like that word, it really doesn't describe it well enough.

Oh, one other thing...I love walking along a street/in the shopping centres/ in the city/ being on a bus etc and seeing all the little school children (from grade 1 to 12) in their uniforms and feeling totally smug about the fact that I will never have to wear a school uniform and go to school and be stuck in that environment...oh it feels so very lovely.
It's strange...I really was thinking life would be horrible now...but right now compared to 12 months ago...I am incredibly more relaxed, happier, and I'm in a course with people of all ages, backgrounds, countries, races, and they actually have some personality...

I guess half of it is in my head, really. But that pressure of "SCHOOL" is no longer ringing in my ears...

I guess it's also a little sad because right about now I find out exactly who wants to stay in touch with and which people actually don't care and probably sadly never did care. So the true friendships will show...I already knew who they were anyway.

Anyway...at the moment, no time to spend with anyone, because life is so crazy. I guess that's lucky for people trying to avoid me.
Man I sound really ungrateful for people who do care...having a wide support network helps though...sorry to sound ungrateful people who care.

I feel obliged to go to the Lucians rehearsal tomorrow afternoon also, even though I won't have any voice to sing with.
But then, the Morton's hate my guts by now, even though I partially hate their guts for not caring...
It all runs in circles.

Circles are great actually.

So, TAFE.

School vs TAFE:

School-
-loud
-annoying rowdy teenagers
-terrifying presentation ordeals
-stupid and frustrating and insufficient facilities...
-constant pressure and nagging from teachers
-rude teachers not respecting your individuality or intelligence and thinks you don't know understand the English language when in fact your English skills are probably far superior to theirs
-others talking in class when you are truly trying to listen (happens at TAFE too unfortunately but not as bad)
-ridiculous workload
-many, many more things

TAFE-
Everything totally opposite to school.
Right across the road from the area of Southbank. Right near the river where I've wanted to just chill at...............for so long...and now I'll be learning a few hundred metres from there for 2 years!
And they are so damn flexible about the assessment and sickness and everything...we don't even have to attend the classes and just go for the assessment! (That is something I won't be doing ...classes exist for a reason)
Overall it seems like it'll be a really awesome course.

Although...yesterday I got very put off from the idea of working in aged care whatsoever...visiting my grandmother yesterday really depressed me...really bad dementia...I don't think she really knows who I am anymore...I think she just thinks I'm some nurse at the nursing home now.
There was a comical side to the outing there though.....it was comical to me anyway.
We had an "outing" to McDonalds...McCafe.
Funny things=
Firstly, when we got back, my mother was signing my grandmother back in (and my mother wrote down "Sophie Smith" in the book to start off with and had crossed it out but I noticed!)....
There was this little old lady who clearly had dementia also, and with her little wheeler, seemed absolutely determined to escape the confines of the nursing home. When we went back into the nursing home from McCafe, this little old lady wheeled along towards the door in an amazingly determined fashion, said something to me that was incoherent but along the lines of "I want to get out" and I just said that I didn't think she was meant to go out of the nursing home.
After saying goodbye to my grandmother, my mother pressed the code to get out, and this little old lady who was standing facing the door waiting for it to open, started walking as fast as she possibly could out of the door...
My mother who was closer to her soon realised this was wrong and steered her back into the room.

Anyway...today I was again re-motivated to think about aged care and not be so against working in ac just because TAFE was good. (But I'm totally not working in aged care later on)
That effect from TAFE...school didn't have that sort of effect on me.


What else is there to talk about...
Is it just me who thinks that this journal is far more interesting or has more important things in it than many other ones? Because of TAFE.
Maybe it's a bad thing my happiness and interestingness depends on the quality of most of my days that are spent at TAFE.
Why does anyone care about reading these journals...
They shouldn't. It's bullshit.

Anyway I'm supposed to be positive.
I'm really enjoying this non-nagginess and FREEDOM...it's so darn good.
Freedom is what makes me happy. Maybe not total freedom but choices...and alone time.

Does anyone want to go to the beach? I want to go to the beach again. It's nice and peaceful.

There was something else that I wanted to add.
Oh well...went to the beach on Saturday with my lovely friend Nat, her lovely sister Steph and her lovely bf Latham.
Was in the water LITERALLY less than 5 minutes and I got stung by a bluebottle. Haha. What fun.
Surprisingly it really didn't seem to matter other than it hurt like constantly stinging grazed legs.

I think after having double pneumonia, nothing is as bad anymore.

Except maybe people issues. Like someone that is frustratingly nice but like hmmmmmmm...hmm hmm hmm...frustrating. But interesting.

Well I still can't remember what the other thing was..........oh well!

Have fun people.

k i've decided to get over myself. get over crap. get over stupid things i say. stop saying stupid things. stop being angry about things that i can do absolutely zero about. blah blah blah.
i probably look really immature and whiny...but you'd be like me too if you were in my position. all i can do is be indifferent and only choose positive experiences to remember. what bullshit i've been told for so many years. some good things, but some bullshit things.

sometimes i think i'm going insane, actually.
like, it was funny how i didn't panic when i got stuck in that bathroom under the restaurants next to coles st lucia for 20 or so minutes last night. i didn't even contemplate the whole "hmmm i'm stuck in a bathroom at night time in the basement place next to the carpark for staff only who wouldn't notice if someone was banging on the door and scary men walking around". it just didn't sink in. i guess probably because i had a phone. and i was having dinner with people who were waiting for me. if i had neither of those, i probably would have started panicking a little because if no-one else had needed that bathroom then i would have been stuck there all night. but it didn't happen that way. so there.

anyway, not much else to say apart from i realise how incredibly negative i've been in the past i don't know how many years and i have written a whole lot of negative crap in here and not put all the good stuff which of course has happened but we never seem to get the time to talk about the good stuff do we...it always seems easier to be negative.

i wonder how negative the people who write the magazines like woman's day are. i bet they're super negative. or all the people on tv. i seem to feed off their negative vibes. strange. oh well.

so i start the first course i'm doing on friday. rather random day to start but hey, it's TAFE. all i'm going to hope to achieve is make myself seem like a positive person who knows a bit about stuff and won't completely screw up the course. thats my goal. and then after that i hope to achieve staying positive, knowing lots of stuff, and in fact not screwing up the course whatsoever but actually doing a really good job, which will make it so much easier to get into a diploma.....which i will work my ass off in because that means i can work which equals money, which equals car, moving out of home quicker and having a life.

and my computer is doing something very strange...it keeps downloading some website on this page which makes me have to click where i'm writing from again to keep writing. something funny going on.
anyway. have fun.

total and utter fool.
i have never been so foolish ever.
i should simply disappear.
in fact, maybe i won't even appear there ever again.
no more coffee, ever, nothing, ever.